Breeding Between the Lines

On our way to Saugatuck this past weekend, K8 and I drove past a town called Breedsville. It gave me the heebie jeebies. I imagined this or the kids up above from the film Village of the Damned. I stepped on the gas so we could get as far away as possible.

K8 dug up an old story about a friend of hers who had once gone to a sex party out in Saugatuck. The party/orgy took place in a barn. He had to pay a cover at the door. Inside, he fucked and was fucked by who knows how many strangers. My first thought: God, that must have smelled. My second thought: Did he use protection? Apparently, he wasn't--or he wasn't sure. How can you tell when you are on the receiving end of things?

So, where is he now? He's living in New York. He's been in a relationship with a woman for over 3 years. A woman. K8 said that back in her undergrad years (6-8 years ago) she would get so drunk over at his apartment and have to sleep on his couch. She'd hear him fucking guys ("it sounded like they were moving furniture," K8 said) and he'd come out after and tell K8: "You should see his ass. Really. I want you to see it. It's beautiful." This guy is with a woman? How can you go from loving a man's ass--wait, hold up, how can you go from anonymous gay sex in barns to a breed box?

The Breeders have a new album out. Very exciting. I've been a fan since their breakout Pod in '90. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the early 90s. Seriously. Some of my favorite albums (PJ Harvey Rid of Me, Pavement Slanted and Enchanted, My Bloody Valentine Loveless) all came out then. Go check out the lovely and extremely talented Heather Phares' review at Allmusic.

Recently, I found out the gays are using the verb breed instead of bareback. It means to have unprotected anal intercourse or as the Urban Dictionary says: The act of blowing a load or taking a load up the ass without a rubber. I thought to breed meant to impregnate. Or mate. Why are the gays using it? Thoughts?

Why One Shouldn't Have Children (Reason #187)

My friend K8 from Chicago paid a visit on Saturday. We had a good chat about life, love, and the future. What do we see in the future? I can tell you what we don't see: children. K8 feels the pressure from her family (and society) to have children. K8 had this to say on the subject:

I have strangers, people I meet at work or wherever, telling me that I'd make a good mother. I'm like, you've talked to me how many times? For how long? You don't know me. What, I'm a woman so that means I'd make a good mother?

K8 told me this amusing (and frightening) story about a group of third-graders who had plotted to kill their teacher. If you're thinking about having kids, please read this story and reconsider. You may think, oh no, not me, not my child. You may think you can raise him or her "right". But honestly, once that kid enters the public school system--Good fucking luck.

This post is for all you women out there feeling the pressure to poop out some kids. You don't have to do it. Fuck society. Fuck your family. Fuck your mom and her "wanting grandchildren." Fuck your dad for "wanting you to carry on the family name." Yeah, and the family history of depression, drug abuse, alcohol addiction, and bad Irish skin--oh wait, that's my story. Fuck your sister for hanging onto her kids' baby clothes "just in case." And fuck all you gays wanting to be "normal" by starting a family. Put all that energy into your careers, fixing up the house, owning nice things. Buy a dog. What, I'm selfish? I think I'm self-less. Life is hard, mofos. Seriously. Let's (not) think about the children here.

Xanadu? Xana-don't

In the recent issue of The Advocate, Cheyenne Jackson (star of recent Broadway musical sensation Xanadu--uh yeah, that Xanadu)opens up about the first time he felt those gay feelings:

“...I think I was, like, 7 -- I was watching this Valentine’s Day Popeye cartoon episode that would play every year. There was this scene where Popeye was captured by Brutus, tied up with no shoes or socks on, and Brutus starts tickling his feet. I remember getting a little boner, and I didn’t know what it was about that scene that was creating that, but I knew that it was something naughty that I couldn’t tell anybody, and I definitely knew it was something that made me different. But every year, I couldn’t wait for that episode.”


Pretty Cheyenne got me thinking about my gay childhood. I can't remember what I was watching--as a child, my cousins and I would watch an unhealthy amount of slasher flicks and horror films. I'm sure it was a sex scene or gratuitous shower scene or something where I saw a naked whatever, I honestly don't even know if it mattered male or female. Either way, I remember popping my first chub and being absolutely horrified by it. I actually yelled out loud: What's wrong with my wee wee?!

My older cousins just laughed at me. Bastards. They knew, but they didn't even explain it to me. I remember feeling ashamed, but back then I felt shame and guilt every other second because of my Catholic upbringing.

I can't really recall any true gay feeling. But I can remember being called out for being different. All the time. As kids, superheroes were a big deal. The boys in the neighborhood and I would play superhero. We'd choose our favorite: Batman, Superman, Green Lantern. I always wanted to be Wonder Woman.


Honestly, I can't say why. It could have been the invisible plane or the lasso. I just thought she was cool. And I wanted to be her. It had nothing to do with gender. But being with the boys it was. Wonder woman's a girl, they'd say. You're a boy. So who did I choose as a back-up? Aquaman. Hm. Yeah. Swimming around with dolphins. Not gay at all.

I never wanted to be a girl. But I did like girl things. Yet I also liked boy things. I collected both the He-Man and She-Ra action figures/dolls. Do you all remember the She-Ra action figure? Bitch needed conditioner. Bad. So yeah, He-Man and She-Ra. I also had G.I.Joes. I'd have my G.I.Joes ride around on My Little Pony's. I'd have the androgynous looking G.I.Joes play women characters and hook them up with the more butch Joes. But honestly-seriously how gay was Gung Ho? We've all avoided Gung Ho at the bars. My favorite G.I. 'Mo was Shipwreck. Doesn't he look familiar? Yeah. He looks a little like M.T. with a parrot.

You know I'm gonna create a new memory today. I got my first little boner watching Shipwreck on G.I.Joe: The Real American Hero (the cartoon). And it wasn't scary. It was beautiful.

Putting Porn Into Perspective

Sorry about the alliteration there in the title. Ah, the poetics of porn.

I guess I said a lot--perhaps too much--on the subject of gay porn in my last post. I'd like to break it down and come to a conclusion on the subject.

We're a group that is defined by sex. But what happens when the group is broken down into categories of sexual taste? I mean, twink, bear, and "straight-acting" gays now have their own culture. They are gay plus. What happens if these categories become something more? Could we see a new language form to separate the bears from not only the mainstream straight culture, but from the other types of gays?

One final thought: I just looked back at what I'd written and I'd like to revisit what I'd said about barebacking porn. It made me uncomfortable to read what I'd written because the truth of it is unsettling. I am in no way supporting it. I know there are people out there who get off on barebacking and the danger of possibly getting infected during unprotected sex. There are also infected men out there who get off on infecting non-infected men. I'm not about that at all. To me, those homosexuals hate themselves. They hate being gay so they get infected and infect other self-hating homosexuals.

All of you smart homosexuals out there know that sex can't be had without protection.

Porn is fantasy. But is it something more? If I watch porn that has a lot of kissing and "loving", I think to myself, this is important to see. Kissing, especially. Kissing is a form of affection. It represents a natural sort of love and tenderness. Fucking is lust. It puts homosexual desire into action. So gay porn with kissing and fucking becomes something more to me. It becomes a weapon. A freedom. The act of fucking may be absent of love, but the expression is not. Does that make sense? I don't know. It's fucking, right? People getting paid to fuck. It's prostitution, right? Or is it something more?

My NSFW Post

Today's topic: Porn. That's right, folks. Gonna get down and dirty on the down and dirty. Say what.

So, I look at porn. (Shrugs, turns bright red.) I hate to admit it, honestly. But M.T. lives in California now. I see him every 4-6 weeks. What am I to do? I needs to see naked mens from time to time. Cut me some slack.

Finding good porn is quite the search. It takes time. First, you have all the websites or blogs to sift through and then it's onto trolling the categories to find the type of man or situation you want to see. It's quite an exhausting process. For all you unfamiliar, here is a break down of the categories of gay porn:

Twinks

If I were in my twenties, or barely legals, and if I were needing money for my heroin/cocaine addiction and were molested as a child, I probably would have ended up in someone's basement to make this sort of porn. Fortunately, I never had an addiction I couldn't afford and I never was molested, so I wound up not in the porn biz. Any way. Twink as we know is a fit, slim/slender young man with little to no body hair. Usually, 18-22 in age, but really, some of these kids look barely legal. It's a bit disturbing. Side note: I hope that M writes a post one of these days on X/Y Magazine. That magazine is geared towards educated, old men. Have you read the articles?

Mature

Sadly, this means 30 plus. Yep. The porn category I'd be in today. Depressing.

Bears

OK. I have a secret. I look at bear porn. For the most part, I look at it because it fascinates me. And I really want to see men. Twinks and athletic men bore me to tears. Seriously, if you want to kill my boner give me a man with a shiny face, shaved chest, and over-pruned eyebrows. If I wanted a girl, I'd be straight. Back to bears. These fellas are masculine and celebrate their masculinity. Good for them. Let the hair grow, in every and all places and not be ashamed. Well done. The problem I have with the bears besides the hair growing in every and all places would be the grunting. Even the grunting is over-exaggerated. I watch these men fuck and I do feel like I'm at Lincoln Park Zoo watching the real bears fuck. It's quite comical. If you need a good laugh, find yourself some bear porn.

Jocks/Studs/Hunks/Muscles

What is up with the "straight"-acting gays? Or the straight man being turned gay fantasy? This is the most popular category of gay porn out there. These men. All they do is fuck and go to the gym. I hate them. I also hate their dumb ass tattoos.

Another thing I've noticed in the "straight"-acting gay/straight boy turns fag fantasy: Blindfolds. Usually, the men fucking or being sucked wears a blindfold so he doesn't have to look at man sucking or asshole he is fucking because if he were to see what he was doing that would validate his homosexuality. What doesn't make sense to me is the man that wears a blindfold to suck a dick. Hm. Uh, you don't see the dick in your mouth, so that's okay?

Also, one last thing on this porn. It is my least favorite, yet there are so many awful elements I must share. Men will flip a coin or draw a card from a pack of playing cards--so if one man gets a Queen and the other man pulls a 5, the man with the Queen (higher card) is the penetrator. And the man who has to get fucked always looks or acts disappointed. Bizarre.

Bareback

Very controversial. I mean, this is quite frightening. Yet, I'll be honest, and I'm very very ashamed to it admit to this: It's a turn-on. And I'm sure it's the element of danger that's the turn-on here. The fantasy is to be able to because in reality you can't.

Thugs and Gangstas

Black gay men are referred to as 'gangstas' and 'thugs' in gay porn. I may have to write a separate post on gay black representation anywheres because it's really fascinating to me. And it needs to be addressed.

Orgy

Never look at this porn. One cock is plenty. I would have an anxiety attack if there were more than one.

OK. I could go on, but I won't. I'll not even touch fisting, facials, gloryholes, pissing, scat play, and all other weird crazy shit. Won't go there.

There you have it. The ins and out of the ol'in and out. Perhaps I'll write a follow-up/or part two to this post with a proper conclusion.

I'll be seeing M.T. in two or three weeks. Till then. Keep jerking, bitches!

Howdy, Partner

So, I've been with M.T. for more than two years now, and we're at the stage where I find it odd to refer to him as a boyfriend. We're not boys. We're both in our thirties. We're men. We're two men who are in love and who have been together in a committed relationship for more than two years now--so what are we to refer to each other as?

There are a few options and I hate them all:

Partner

It feels strange saying it out loud. I used it once for the first time a week or two ago and I thought to myself: Do they know what I mean by that? Or do they think of M.T. as a business partner? Or maybe they think we moonlight as detectives? Or perhaps they'll think about our collection of Country-Western shirts and assume we're cowboys. I don't know. I don't like it. It doesn't mean love to me. It's partnership. It feels cold and business-like.

Life Partner

Don't like it at all. It's very science fiction. In robot voice: He. Is. My. Life. Partner. Or maybe it's too lesbian. Not sure. It doesn't work. It sounds like robot and smells like granola. Next--

Significant Other

Yeah, let's emphasize other, shall we? No thanks.

Husband

Well, gay marriage is illegal and all, but we could have a commitment ceremony or whatever gays do and pretend marriage and then what are we? I refuse husband because husband is what straight people use. Can't do it.

Any ideas? I guess we'll have to create something. We need a gay language. That's what we need. There has to be some level of separation from the straight world.

That's a whole other blog.

What we need is a leader

Is it not being educated? Is it self-hatred? Why is this happening?

There was a time that I had referred to myself as a homophobic homosexual. Some people may still claim that I am. I'm not a homophobic homosexual. I don't hate my people. I just wish my people would stop doing stupid shit. Stop doing what is expected of you. Yeah, most people want to see us die. I remember my uncle (who was 18 at the time, I was 9 or 10) saying to me, God made AIDS to kill fags because they're sinners. He wrote an article about it in the school newspaper. This must have been 1986 or 1987. I will never forget him saying that to me. How can I forget? It wasn't just my uncle. We've all heard hateful things being said from ignorant people.

My advice to the gay community: Live. Be here. Speak your mind. We can't be dying off. We need to take over. Be seen as much as possible. Anywhere. Everywhere. The more we're seen, the more normal it becomes.

We need leaders. We need another Harvey Milk. We need someone to take charge of the community. To speak up and bring us together. We're not together. We can care less about each other. This is why we infect each other. Killing each other off. It's what they want. It's what they expect.

Sorry, I got a little angry there at the end. I'm just exhausted.